We Need To Talk About... Everything.

“You’re just giving them the attention they want, stop talking about it and it’ll go away.”

Appreciate the sentiment, wish it were true. But in reality, this just doesn’t work. At least not in the digital space.

And I'm really tired of seeing it used in quote tweets and comment sections as a way to devalue, shame or guilt trip others who are using their platforms to make valid points about controversial issues, express a unique thought or point of view, or are simply standing up for themselves in the face of adversity.

With the sheer depth and breadth of the internet and social media today, you have to be nearly delusional to think that people won’t use their platforms to speak out about hot topics and controversies regarding subject matters of all sorts. A huge premise of social media, after all, is that it gives a voice to the public. This is obviously a huge draw for most people who want to use it to express their topical viewpoints, as is their prerogative.

So instead of seeking to mute the self expression of others who feel they have something to say, by morally shaming them into silence, we should encourage people to learn and practice the art of how to talk about controversy constructively and responsibly. In other words: say what you need to say but also be mindful of how you approach it. It’s very much a safe sex over abstinence sort of thing.

It's about deciding when to speak up and how to do it in a way that's both honest and tactful.

And it’s actually quite simple:

• If you have something to contribute to a discussion, point out the behavior you either agree or disagree with, providing context as needed.

• State your case, your point of view for consideration, and, when applicable, what action you’d like to see in the future (an apology, corrective action, or for someone to stop doing something harmful, distasteful or controversial altogether).

• Encourage civil weigh in from people in the comments etc, and remind people there’s a fine line between discussion and accountability versus cruel, outright bullying.

Social commentary is nothing new on the internet. Engaging in it irresponsibly unfortunately isn't either.

This being said, of course there are people out there who can’t discern between criticism, bullying and accountability, and take everything way too far. Putting this out here up front: things like death threats and other threats of physical harm or doxxing etc. are inexcusable and should never be tolerated. Outwardly cruel remarks and other commentary that doesn’t seek to further an otherwise legitimate conversation is also problematic. There are also those who dogpile for clickbait and views and don’t really care what happens-they’re just here for the snacks–the snacks being drama.

All of these types are also part of the problem and should be called out and held accountable accordingly.

Otherwise, for those wanting to raise a valid issue about something they feel strongly about, they should be free to speak up, regardless of the subject matter. If nothing else, at least we might learn something from talking to each other. After all, having open conversations is an important part of how we function as a society, though we seem to be forgetting that (even better if we can constructively discuss certain topics with BOTH those who share our viewpoints and those who respectfully disagree).

Thus, trying to earnestly weigh in on a topic which is important to us, in a space created for everyone to have an opinion, is not a heinous act, especially if done tactfully.

Disagreeing with someone’s actions and speaking up about their bad behavior is not inherently bullying, and we need to stop acting like it is. Sure some can do this with more of a diplomatic finesse than others, but alas self-expression is unique to the individual.

But what about cancel culture?

Accountability is also not inherently about "canceling" anyone who acts out of turn. It comes down to holding people and companies responsible for their actions.

Cancel culture is seen as a very real threat to some and can be a toxic aspect of society, especially in the digital world. It's not at times unlike a modern day witch hunt. However, the cognizance of cancel culture is now quite widespread--I would argue to the point where getting "canceled" is a much a cliche as it is a real threat. And, as I just mentioned, if people wait long enough most "canceled" people or companies simply rebrand and return anyway. Is anyone even truly canceled in that case? Or did they just pay their penance?

And how did cancel culture devolve to this? Arguably, we’ve discussed it SO much at this point that it’s an ingrained part of any discourse that occurs online, if not a running joke, which arguably takes power away from the concept altogether.

“Guys I upset the Swifties, guess I’m canceled now.” Says anyone using Taylor Swift’s infamous fandom for clout, regardless if their video was truly problematic or offensive.

“I’m not saying we should cancel her over this, but I would like to hold her accountable for how she’s behaved and see her make it right moving forward.” An example of pointing out that not all bad behavior is worth tarring and feathering someone’s reputation permanently, but it’s still important to hold them accountable.

It’s almost like discussing something more extensively and sharing multiple viewpoints has the power to raise awareness around it, how best to navigate it, and gives the opportunity for groups of people to use better judgment in regards to how they go about discussing things in the future?

Calling it what it is: in many cases, content creators engaging in controversy are never going to completely stop doing what brings in views. It’s disgusting at times, morbidly fascinating at others, but regardless it’s the reality of the situation.

Those creating the content in a very public sphere often see it as purely “entertainment” or “social experiments” and don’t always think through the consequences (or don’t care) if it is received poorly or negatively impacts others. They will make excuses and claim people are "over reacting" and need to "lighten up." Classic gaslighting from those who seek to avoid any responsibility for their actions.

These types of people will either ride a wave of virality and thrive on the attention they so desperately seek, or they will do anything and everything in their power to get it again (just wait a few months and they will have arrived at their next big scandal). At least if people who are offended by their behavior can speak their peace about it and move on, more awareness gets created around the offending party’s actions and the offense can be more easily identified and held accountable in the future.

Again, this is where discernment comes in.

What has this person or group or organization done and do they need to be discussed publicly to raise awareness of their actions or behavior etc? Can we be careful about how we discuss the situation so as not to call for cancellation as it were, but rather give them the opportunity to make it right and set a precedent moving forward? Or has the party in question truly done something unforgivable or repeatedly to the point that it calls for deeper scrutiny (especially in cases of those with larger platforms and thus a huge reach)?

Yes, disengaging from this kind of public figure, content creator, celebrity or organization etc. by blocking them, not using their products, streaming their music or buying their merch, is a great way to take action against them if you take issue with their conduct. Simply put, just stop supporting them in anyway you can.

Additionally, speaking out about it in a rational and civilized manner is also a way to take action that shouldn’t be suppressed by people on a moral high horse that never learned the art of constructive discourse growing up. Some of these are also the most passive aggressive, toxic people I've ever encountered, versus those who can simply and rationally speak their mind.

Speaking of, to those who say accountability or expressing a difference in opinion is bullying: if you encounter someone who is being blatantly hurtful and cruel, sure call that bully out and hold them accountable. Otherwise, if the person is reasonably discussing an issue and you just don’t like or agree with what they have to say, present your opinion in a rational, civilized manner, or mind your business.

Either way, stop riding on a high horse thinking issues just go away if you sweep them under the rug, insinuating that public figures or companies deserve to go completely unchecked without public commentary, or that anyone who contradicts your point of view is a hater or a bully.

Not everyone is a "hater" because they disagree with you.

If you’re one of those people that is constantly preaching “don’t talk about it and it’ll go away, if you don’t like it just scroll!”

The latter part of that, when addressing your average garden variety internet troll, sure.

But if you’re out here trying to discourage someone from speaking on something important to them with a valid point and constructive criticism, I’m genuinely curious:

• Was this just something you were taught growing up and felt the need to pass on to feel validated?

• Did you see someone say it online once and think “that sounds good, I’ll use it next time!”

• Were you never taught to have an honest and rational discussion about controversial or uncomfortable things?

• Do you intentionally, or could you subconsciously, seek to silence others due to your own insecurities or internalized misogyny? (Yes women are often told to “take the high road” and “be the bigger person” far more often than their male counterparts).

• Or, is this something that you truly believe has brought you peace and you see it as sound advice?

There is a time and place for this kind of moral high ground that's totally valid but it is not a panacea.

It's also not your place to tell others not to speak up unless someone asked for your opinion. If you prefer to turn your attention away from issue to bring yourself peace, go for it. But don't act superior because others want to speak out. Maybe they have an extremely valid viewpoint you never even dreamed of? Maybe they were wronged personally and deserve to have their side of the story told.

Of course, people should sometimes use better judgment as to when to speak out or hold back. Acting from a place of brashness its often counterproductive. It’s called picking your battles and that is a personal choice everyone needs to make. If someone decides they would rather not discuss a topic for personal reasons that is their choice to make. The point is we all deserve a choice.

If I sound ranty or triggered at this point it’s because it’s taken me many years and a bit of therapy to feel comfortable speaking up for myself even in the most legitimate of cases because of this kind of rationale. As a female millennial raised by society to be a “good girl people pleaser” I was perpetually afraid of the disappointment and lack of support I might receive if I decided to defend myself, like…ever. Even if wholly justified. Even for the sake of setting legitimate healthy boundaries.

There are times I’m really glad I took the high road--simply disengaging absolutely felt like the right thing to do. But there are also occasions from which I still feel regret from not saying something sooner, or at all. I personally know what it feels like to be told to “rise above” when I should have spoken up. So in response to this I have honed my own sense of judgment in these situations and I have to say: it’s served me well.

In some cases I do feel like people tell you to "take the high road" out of true respect for your best interest. There are times to let go and rise above, indeed. For me in some cases, however, I realize people wanted to see me suppress my voice for one reason or another. I can be a bit of a force to be reckoned with when I resolve to speak my mind with intention and clarity, and I think that intimidates the hell out of people who don’t like or know how to navigate conflict.

I will admit, part of the problem is some people have forgotten how to have a civilized discussion about anything. Everything has become so polarized it feels impossible to find middle ground at times, and with a voice of reason. (And if you try, you’re rejected by both sides and called “wishy washy” or weak for wanting to compromise). People play into drama so deeply for validation (views, followers, blind support) they don’t realize how truly addicted they are to the emotional rollercoaster that it evokes. This in turn, elicits emotional responses from those affected by certain types of images, events, content etc. And the vicious cycle repeats.

We need to remedy this to a manageable level if we ever want to see real change.

Essentially, the only way to get better at something is work on it. Therefore, if we forego learning how to tactfully express opinions in an open forum discussion in favor of not saying anything, and hoping it will go away, we're only perpetuating a bigger problem.

Furthermore, if some rando on the internet is trying to manipulate you out of sharing your thoughts on something by telling you to "shut up and stop talking about it" or "take the high road and say nothing", there is always a chance they just can't handle what a logical and well stated argument you're trying to make, and it's their only way of putting up a defense. That's on them and their fragile ego to sort out, not on you.

When some with a large platform, like a public figure or company, willingly puts themself in the public eye and does something questionable, it is perfectly reasonable for the masses to respond with concern. People have the right to point out disturbing behavior for what it is and clearly demonstrate how it is offensive, harmful, or distasteful, and then ask for it to stop and for others not to support it. People also have the right to engage in tasteful critical commentary regarding public figures, companies or events that take place in the public sphere.

Crying “bully” whenever this occurs just weakens the legitimacy of situations in which someone IS being bullied wrongfully. The end result is then legitimate issues being ignored as another public figure or company gets away with doing whatever they want with no real accountability. At worst it’s like a proverbial slap on the wrist and a bruised ego from the backlash…until next time.

Being silent won't stop anything. Awareness and critical discourse might.

Everyone who engages in social media, myself included, runs a risk of saying or doing something upsetting (intentionally or unintentionally) and receiving backlash from the masses. I say intentionally because some people really do believe in no such thing as bad press, and take it too far sometimes. But this risk of public commentary and ridicule is the reality of putting yourself out to the world in that way.

Not everyone is going to like you or what you put online and that’s okay, so long as you’re not looking to be offensive or stir the pot intentionally. But if you, as a creator, do something questionable that is offensive or controversial perhaps take some time to reflect on that and act accordingly. If you know you f*cked up, own your wrongdoings and make it right.

Eventually, controversies and other hot topics run their course and fizzle out. It’s about how we engage with them while they’re having their moment that can actually make an impact on both smaller communities and society as a whole. Meanwhile it’s delusional to think people won’t be discussing it, so if you're going to join the conversation go for it, but do it with integrity and intention.

Words can be quite powerful–which is why I argue that some would seek to take away that power by just saying things like “rise above, just scroll, stop talking about it.” There are occasions for that, surely. But there are also times to speak up. It’s how you use your words that matters.